Asexual Neurospicy | Neurospicy Black Girl

Happy Pride!

Shout out to my fellow aces! You are forever valid!

I'm proud to be a queer ace, and I hope you have a great Pride month!

Resources mentioned:

• Asexual Visibility and Education Network (I forgot the Education part, my bad): https://www.asexuality.org/
• Yasmin Benoit: https://www.yasminbenoit.co.uk/
• Sherronda J. Brown's book: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/710512/refusing-compulsory-sexuality-by-sherronda-j-brown/
• Aromanticism: https://www.aromanticism.org/

Transcript

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First of all, happy pride to my queer community and to the allies. In the United States, things are getting scarier for marginalized folks, especially with the current administration and their BS. I want to make it absolutely clear that this is a safe space for marginalized folk and that no hate will be tolerated. Period. Alright, now on to Neuro Spicy Black Girl. Hi, I'm Milani. I'm black, female, and neurodivergent, aka I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. Anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of a neuro spicy black girl. Welcome back to NeuroSpicyBlackGirl, the podcast for your overstimulated, overthinking, and under-rested self. Well, maybe that's just me, but I'm sure some of you are like that too. I'm Melania, and today we're going to get real tender, real nuanced, and real queer. Because guess what? It's Pride Month in the United States! And today, I want to talk about something that doesn't get enough attention during Pride. Asexuality. And not just that, but what it's like to be ace and neurodivergent. And black. And a woman. We're intersexual in this house, always. So yeah, not only I'm neurodivergent, black, and a woman, I am also queer. Let's be real, I didn't have the language for asexuality until my 20s. All through school, everyone was obsessed with, you know, like, getting a partner, and dating, and doing the do, who was kissing who, although that's more like romanticism, and I was all like, can we just finish the group project before I had to associate? Spoiler alert, we couldn't. I used to think I was just a late bloomer, or maybe I just had some secret trauma I hadn't unlocked yet, like a Sims expansion pack. But turns out, nope. I'm just asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction. And that's not sad. It's not tragic. It's not something to fix. Let me know in the comments if you found out about asexuality due to places like Tumblr. Because that's how I learned asexuality. And that's actually how I learned about sexuality in general. Because my school curriculum did not have sexual education at all. I was in a sound state for context. And also, my mom and dad did not give me the sex talk at all. So I learned about sex through fanfiction and movies and television. Both good and bad depending on how you look at it. But anyway, here's where it gets spicy. Neuro-spicy to be exact. Because being autistic or ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent, that already makes you feel different in ways that are hard to name. You spend your life masking, people-pleasing, second-guessing your instincts. Now, added in being an ace? Oof. The world doesn't just treat you like you're different, it treats you like you're defective. Now, let me be clear. I am not broken. I'm just not bothered. I don't feel sexual attraction, and I don't want to. That's not something I'm waiting to grow into. That's not something therapy is going to uncover. That's not something the right person is going to unlock. I'm not a treasure chest. I'm a whole damn vault. Also, here's another thing. Asexuality and asexual reproduction are not the same thing. I am not a plant or an amoeba. Pay attention to science class. It's a fun subject, really. Yeah, pay attention. You know what's funny? Neurodivergence, especially with ADHD and autism are on the spectrum. So is asexuality. Funny how life works that way. Actually, to give a quick little explanation of what asexuality is, in case you don't know, asexuality is little to no sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is different than romantic attraction. You still want a romantic relationship. You're just not interested in having sexual relations, essentially. And of course, that's in the spectrum, and there's different sub-identities of asexuality itself. I will link resources to learn more about asexuality in the description. And oftentimes, asexuality is confused with aromanticism. Aromanticism is having little to no romantic attraction, meaning romantic partnerships. Again, I will also link aromanticism resources in the description because they also deserve some love. No pun intended. Now, let's talk about intersection of asexuality and neurodivergence. Some researchers are starting to finally explore how neurodivergent people, especially autistic folks, might fall somewhere on the asexual or aromantic spectrum. And that makes sense. A lot of us have different sensory experiences, different social needs, different boundaries. So why wouldn't that extend to attraction? But the problem is... People still assume that if you're ace and neurodivergent, you're just not emotionally mature or you don't understand intimacy. Like, no, girl, I just have better boundaries than you. And don't even get me started on being a black woman on top of all this. Because the way society hypersexualizes black women, you can't opt out without people assuming you're being difficult, dishonest, or just in denial. Like, sorry my existence doesn't revolve around being desired. Maybe I just want a good nap and a cat on my lap. Radical, I know. I'm in the United States, not Egypt. We ain't in denial. Period. A little side note, I want to shout out two Black asexual women. First, Yasmin Benoit, a Black asexual and aromantic model and researcher. She helped spearhead showcasing the diversity of the asexual community and a huge contribution to asexual visibility. I really appreciate her existence, especially discovering my asexuality. Additionally, I want to shout out Sharonda J. Brown, essayist and author of Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture. I haven't finished her book yet due to ADHD things, but what I have read so far has been validated. I will link their sites in the description. Yeah, I should really pick back up that book. Now, let's talk about how to thrive when you're both asexual and neurodivergent. It's not always easy out here, but these tips might just save your sensory battery. Tip number one. Learn your yeses and your hard no's. A lot of people will try to tell you what you should want. Whether that's relationships, sex, eye contact, parties, or cuddling with sweaty people you barely know. No thank you. Get clear on what you actually enjoy or tolerate. And what drains you. Boundaries aren't mean. They're self-love with a backbone. Tip number two, find your people. Even if it's just online. If your offline world doesn't get you, that doesn't mean your identity is wrong. It means your circle's too small. There are ace and neurodivergent folks making memes, support groups, fanfics, and podcasts, hello, who will absolutely validate your lived experience. Find them. Lurk if you need to. Belonging doesn't require 24-7 group chats. I know in my case, the Ace Visibility Network was one of the first places that I discovered when discovering my asexuality. I will link them in the description. Tip number three. Redefine intimacy on your terms. Being asexual doesn't mean you don't crave connection. It just means the form it takes might look different. Emotional intimacy, parallel play, deep convos about your favorite hyperfixation at 2am, that counts. Don't let anyone convince you your love or your friendships are less than just because they don't involve sex. Spoiler alert, half of y'all's situationships don't involve emotional safety either, so who's really thriving? And I- Oh! And cuz, girl, I got a bunch of stories about my friends who have not good situationships. But yeah, they still give them many chances that they're not friends, but... Anyways, Pride Month isn't just for the glitter and the rainbows and the cute couple pics on the gram. It's about showing up for every part of your community. Including the ones who don't center sex in their identity. Including the ones who stim in the club. Including the ones who wear noise-canceling headphones to the parade and still deserve to be celebrated. So, this pride, I'm standing tall in my narrow, spicy, asexual, black girl glory. I'm here. I'm valid. I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed. I need to be respected. And so do you. If you're ace, neurodivergent, or just questioning it all, you're not alone. You're not weird. You're not behind. You're a whole spectrum of beautiful, just the way you are. Thank you for listening to Narrow Spicy Black Girl. If this episode made you feel seen, hit that follow button, leave a little review, or share it with a friend. Let's make Pride a little more inclusive, one download at a time. Links to support me are in the description. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what's best for you, especially for the month of Pride. Tune in next time where something new happens and it definitely won't be boring. Bye, and happy Pride. Stay safe, everyone. Hey everyone, I have credits now! Narrow Spicy Black Girl is written, created, produced, and edited by me, Align Geeks. This show is produced at Brick Media Arts. To learn more about this non-profit arts organization, visit brickmediaarts.org. That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-R-T-S dot org.