Mother Damned-nest | Neurospicy Black Girl

This is dedicated to the children who are estranged from their mothers. You are not alone and you are loved. You cannot change the harm they caused you, but you can change and break the cycle by bringing healing and love to yourself.

Resources mentioned:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
• https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani
• https://www.nedratawwab.com/ 

Transcript

Alani: 0:00

Alright y'all, you know what time it is. If you've seen the release date of this episode, or just simply the title of this episode, this is the day I dread when it comes. Especially since the day is usually universally celebrated. That's right, I'm talking about Mother's Day. If you haven't known already, continue to listen to learn why Mother's Day is always hard for this narrow, spicy black girl. Hi, I'm Alani. I'm Black, female, and neurodivergent, aka I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of a Neurospicy Black girl. Welcome to Neuros picy Black Girl, the only place where you learn that someone's first bully is the person who gave birth to them. Although, unfortunately, I'm learning that this is a shared experience by many. Generational trauma is a bitch. Anyway, I'm Alani, and today we're going to discuss my weird relationship with Mother's Day. Actually, to be honest, we're going to expand more about my relationship with my mother. If you listened to previous episodes, I talk a little bit about my estranged relationship with her. By estranged, I have gone no contact with her for over a year. Now, going no contact is not an easy decision. Heck, talking about my relationship with my mother is not easy at all. I'll tell you why. I don't get sympathy or empathy. Heck, I get more empathy slash sympathy by talking about my estranged relationship with my father. The thing is, Father's Day has always been a simpler day to endure because most of my peers don't have a good relationship with a dad. There's always a sense of pity when I discuss the trauma my dad has put me through. I feel like that's a bigger conversation right there about that concept, but I'll save it for the Father's Day episode. However, when I talk about my relationship with my mom, it's always... But she's your mom. She's a single mother. She's been through blah, blah, blah. Well, if you don't want the extra stress of caring for another kid, don't have another f***ing kid. Especially with someone who is also not fit to be a parent. Kids don't ask to be here. I certainly didn't. I swear, people always ask the survivors why would they go into mental contact instead of asking, What did the parent do to cause the kid to go no contact? This world hates trauma survivors and rewards abusers. Okay, so back to my relationship with my mom. As much as my mom tries to deny it, she wishes she aborted me. I do too, to be honest, but that's not the point. She would always talk about how much happier and free her life was before she had me and my siblings. She would say how much she regrets marrying my dad. Now, don't get me wrong, my dad is far from being an angel. But telling the product of you and him that you wish you didn't met him, yeah. I mean, I wish you stopped centering men in your life and stopped neglecting your dead elementary school child to drink and be promiscuous. But the past is in the past. I think the reason my mom likes arguing with me is that I look a lot like my dad. Maybe she misses arguing with him. She always likes to start s**t. And it's unnecessary s**t too. Like leaving the fork in the sink and then she talks about how I do nothing to the household and I will grow up with no one wanting to be with or around me. She likes to use my loneliness and social struggles as ammo for her attacks. Side note, when I get angry, I have a tendency to say hurtful stuff to people and cut deep. I think that is something that I unfortunately inherited from my parents. My mom loves to criticize me. but conveniently forgets her contributions to my actions and physical appearance. She hates that I am chubby despite never putting me on a diet and always buying unhealthy food. She is also chubby herself. She hates that I am knockney and have a weird walk despite refusing to listen to the doctor and provide me proper shoes for support. She hates that I struggled with socializing despite refusing to listen to teachers to recommend autistic or ADHD testing. She hates that I showed up to elementary school crying because I was witnessing my parents' divorce and fight for custody in front of me because I was making her look bad. I bet you're wondering what happened to cause me to go into contact. What was the final straw? Well, here it is. To pay for college in 2019, my mom signed me up for two private Discover student loans. Remember, it was my mom's idea and that she said that she was going to help me pay for it. 2020, you all know what happened to the world that year. My mom refused to help pay for my sophomore year because it was going to mess with her plans to move out of my older sister's house. By the way, she moved out like a year later, but anyway, she was careless and did not give a f***. Because college was the only escape from her and my chance at a new life. When I was staying at a family friend's house, I waited until I was alone in the house to overdose twice. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted the pain to end. I also wanted my mom to know how much pain she caused me. Because the only way anybody took me seriously is if I do something extreme. My family friend called my mom and my mom was super pissed at me, saying that my suicide attempt was making her look like a bad mom. It was that moment where I had a wake-up call. I needed to get the hell out and be financially independent from my mother for good. Fast forward to the spring semester of 2023, the last semester of my senior year of college, and I'm back in New York City. My mom pesters me about consolidating those student loans. Now, in case you're not familiar with the private student loan process, at least with Discover at the time, you have to show that you make enough income to pay for the consolidated loan. At the time, I did not make enough money and Discover rejected me multiple times and sent my mom letters explaining why. Also for context, she was the cosigner of the loan. Why do I emphasize this? Because my mom got mad at me for something that is not my fault or my choice. It got to the week of my graduation ceremony... And my mom and I got into an argument over this stupid f***ing loan. I told her that I was going to apply again, but it's not guaranteed that I'll be approved. You know what she told me? Oh, so you're trying to ruin my life? You know what the kicker is? She demanded that she came to my graduation. That was it. All of the abuse I put up with all those years. She said that? And I blew up on her. The gag is that for my school, the graduating student has the power to send tickets to whoever they want to attend their ceremony. I banned my mom from attending my ceremony. No one in my family attended my graduation. And I was okay with that. And ironically, this whole thing happened during the week of Mother's Day. But that wasn't when I actually fully went no contact. Fast forward to December 2023, I was spending Christmas alone in the apartment owned by the shady landlord. I spent all day avoiding social media and watching funny videos on YouTube. So, I went to go take the trash out. The apartment doesn't have a peephole, so I had to go, I guess. Well, I opened the door, and I see my f***ing mother standing outside the doorway, acting like nothing has happened in May. She goes up to hug me, and you know what I did? I slammed the door in her face. I haven't answered her attempts at contact ever since, and still don't. A good family friend, let's call him CH, tells me about her health status and that she keeps dodging accountability, stating that I hate her. Well, I'd rather be the villain in my mother's story than the victim in my story. Damn, I know that was a lot to take in, but I felt it was important for me and to you to know why Mother's Day has been hard for me. It is hard to celebrate the person who always saw you as a burden, but I hope this episode can make you feel that you're not alone if you also have been estranged with your mother. I hope these three tips can be helpful. Tip number one, celebrate other maternal figures. Mother's Day is now limited to your mother. You can celebrate your sister, auntie, cousin, grandmother, any maternal figure. In my case, I celebrate the maternal figures that are not blood related to me. For example, shout out to Joanie from BRIC Media Arts. She has been a supportive mentor to me both for this podcast and for life in general. I am grateful for her existence, and Joanie, if you're listening, I appreciate you. Tell your teacher, neighbor, mentor that you are important to them. And also, I want to shout out and give thank you to my late grandmother. Although you are no longer with us since 2019, I still appreciate you for being the last supportive person in my life before you were gone. So, rest in peace, Joyce Elder. Okay. Sorry, y'all. Tip number two. Limit adjust your social media for the day. Trust me, I know the temptation is there. But for your mental health, limit going on Facebook or Instagram and seeing all the pictures of the seemingly loving mother-child relationships. I say seemingly because people can lie on social media. But you can trust me. Anyways... Instead of dual-scrolling, focus energy on spaces that validate you or make your mental health better. Watch your favorite shows. Go for a walk. Shop on Mother's Day for a discount. You got 24 hours. Make them good. Tip number three. Know that it is not your fault. It is the parent's responsibility to nurture their relationship with the child, regardless of the child's age. You unfortunately cannot choose your parents, and you cannot control how... your parent treats you. You can control on how you react and how you treat yourself. There will be times where it's hard to remember that, especially if you're neuro-spicy, so I recommend these resources. The subreddit Raised by Narcissist has a well-moderated and validated community where you can post your experiences and read other experiences to know that you're not alone, especially if your mom has narcissistic tendencies. I also recommend Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She helped open my eyes to my mom's behavior. Additionally, I recommend Nedra Glover-Tawab's books about boundaries, which will be essential especially if you're going no contact. All links will be in the description. You are not alone. If your mother did not care for you as a kid, I hope you can be the maternal figure to your inner child that they needed. Thank you again for listening. It is honestly still a hard topic for me to discuss, especially since it's taboo in the black community to not be in contact with your mother. But while my relationship with my mother has been dead, a new chance of life for me has been born. Links to support me are in the description. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what's best for you. Tune in next time where something new happens and it definitely won't be boring. Take care. Hey everyone, I have credits now! Neuros picy Black Girl is written, created, produced, and edited by me, Alani Weeks. This show is produced at Bric Media Arts. To learn more about this non-profit arts organization, visit bricmediaarts.org. That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-A-R-T-S dot org.