[Bonus] Depression Reflection | Neurospicy Black Girl

Thank you for listening to me talk about my depression struggles. Hope this can be helpful to someone.

Microphone: https://zealsound.com/

Resources:

•https://988lifeline.org/
•https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/
•International Hotlines: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Transcript

ALANI: 0:00

Before we begin, I want to get this elephant out of the room. I want to apologize for the last episode's previous audio quality. I did not have access... to the regular podcast studio that I be recording , and I did not have a mic at this time , so I unfortunately used my laptop's mic and I tried to clean up the audio as best as I could, but it was not doing what it needed to be done, but I bought a mic it is actually really good quality I tested it out and And it's actually really, like, affordable too, so. It is called Zeal Sound. I will leave the link to buy it in the description. But yeah, just wanted to get that out there. Now, on to the episode. Hi, I'm Alani. I'm black, female, and neurodivergent. A.K.A. I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of Neuros picy Black Girl. Hi everybody, it's Alani. Welcome back to Neuro spicy Black Girl. Or maybe welcome to this small, quiet corner of the internet where we process feelings in waves. Not bullet points. So, this episode is another bonus episode. I'm just thinking about me reflecting. Mainly reflecting on the depression episode. So, if you listened to the last episode, thank you. Thank you for staying with me in the mess that is depression. For letting me talk about it without flinching. And for making space for sadness, that doesn't come with a quick fix. That episode wasn't easy to make. I talked about being diagnosed in 8th grade. I talked about how I had to fight just to be believed by my own mother, of all people. How depression for me isn't always about crying or being visibly upset. Sometimes it's sleeping 12 hours and still waking up feeling like I got hit by emotional traffic. Sometimes it's isolating, recharging or rotting depending on the day. Sometimes, it's escaping to fantasy worlds I build in my head because those worlds are quiet. Those worlds don't demand anything from me. Those worlds I can just be myself. And even though I can create joy from those escapes, whether I could turn them into stories or scripts or little daydreams, it's also exhausting wishing I could stay there. Where there are no bills, no deadlines, no racial microaggressions in the group Slack channel, or in person. Just vibes and adventure and maybe a dragon or two. But what I realized after recording the episode is that it's okay to not be okay on the mic. I don't have to polish the struggle into a life lesson every time. I'm allowed to just say, it sucks. And you, yeah, you listening, you're allowed to feel it too. You're allowed to be still, to be angry, to be numb, to be tired, to be messy, and unmotivated and imperfect. You're allowed to exist without producing, without achieving, without explaining why you feel the way you do. Sometimes surviving is the achievement. I feel like we don't talk enough about what it means to be neurodivergent and depressed and black, to have emotions people don't believe, to mask your breakdowns with jokes, to be both creative and collapsing. I say this with love, but also with the truth. Depression doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're lazy. It doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're human. And some days, being human is really freaking hard. If you're in a tough place right now, maybe listening from your bed, maybe zoned out at work, or maybe somewhere in between, I hope you take a moment to be kind to yourself. Not just that soft pastel sweater kind, but real kindness. Like, I'm gonna go eat something, even if it's just another granola bar kind. Or, I'm not going to beat myself up for crying over something small kind. More like, um, it's okay if all I did today was breed kind. You don't owe anyone your healing. You don't need to turn your pain into a productivity plan. You just need to exist. And if no one's told you today, I'm proud of you. For being here. For listening. For trying. Even when trying means just pressing play. First, thank you again for listening to the depression episode. Thank you for letting me be raw and real. And thank you for taking care of yourself in whatever way you know how. I may not know you personally, but I know what it's like to feel invisible. And I hope this show reminds you that you are seen, you are valid, and you are enough. If you need any links to resources, both in the U.S. and international, they will be in the description. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what's best for you. Rest, be gentle, and maybe give yourself a little grace. Tune in next time where something new happens and it won't be boring. Bye for now. Hey everyone, I have credits now! Neuropsi cy Black Girl is written, created, produced, and edited by me, Alani Weeks. This show is produced at BRIC Media Arts. To learn more about this nonprofit arts organization, visit brickmediaarts.org. That is B-R-I-C-M-E-D-I-A-A-R-T-S dot org.