The Depression Episode | Neurospicy Black Girl

This is not an easy thing to talk about or go through, but you are not alone.

Resources:

• https://988lifeline.org/
• https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/
• International Hotlines: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Transcript

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Before we begin, I want to let you know that considering the topic of today's episode, there will be links to resources for anyone that needs somebody to talk to. Everybody needs support. Being neurodivergent can have your emotions all over the place, and sometimes you don't know what emotions to identify. There is both an emotion and condition that can be both easy to identify and at the same time, it's not easy to identify. That is depression. Let's talk about it on this episode of Neurospicy Black Girl. Hi, I'm Alani. I'm Black, Female, and Neurodivergent, aka I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of a Neurospicy Black Girl. Welcome to Neurospicy Black Girl, the only place where your serotonin levels may be low, but your dark humor is high. I'm Alani, and today we're talking about a topic that feels like that one roommate who doesn't pay rent, eats their food, and still somehow never leaves, depression. Now, before we get into the heavy stuff, I just want to say, if you're struggling right now, you are not alone. Depression is real, and it doesn't care if you're the strong friend, if you're the eldest daughter, or if you just got promoted. Depression will pull up to your mental house party uninvited, sit in the corner, and make everything awkward. So, let's get into it. Depression ain't always just crying in bed with a pint of ice cream while listening to sad girl music. Although, yes, I do have a Spotify playlist called "Sad and Depression Time." It's not public, so good luck to that. Depression can look like brushing your teeth once a week because it feels like a full-body workout, staring at you to-do lists for hours but doing nothing on it, feeling numb, not sad, there's a difference, feeling everything all at once, conversely, laughing with friends, and then crying in your room five minutes later. I know the last one very well. And if you have ADHD or another neurodivergent condition, depression doesn't show up alone. No, it brings its whole friend group - rejection sensitivity, executive dysfunction, over stimulation, and all that lovely existential dread that hits at 3am. It's like, "Hi, I heard you were vulnerable and trying your best. Mind if we ruin everything?" As a black woman with ADHD, navigating depression feels like doing emotional gymnastics in a system that already doesn't give a damn about you. We're expected to be strong, we keep pushing to stay productive. But guess what? Productivity does not equal worth. Let me say it again for the people in the back. Productivity does not equal worth. Sometimes you can't get out of bed. Sometimes washing a dish feels like climbing Mount Everest. And sometimes you're just black. Not happy, not sad, just existing. That is depression too. And that is a feeling I have felt probably since I was a single-digit person. We're often misdiagnosed or dismissed when we try to talk about these feelings, especially when you're neurodivergent. "Oh, you're just tired. You're overreacting. You're being dramatic." Ma'am, I've been the same clothes for three days and haven't eaten a vegetable since Monday. This is not drama. This is a mental health crisis with sparkling eyeliner. And it's really hard, especially if you are "high functioning", quote unquote, which side note, I really hate the term "high functioning" slash "low functioning", like existing is functioning, like, you know, but anyway, let me be real with y'all for a second. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in eighth grade, eighth grade. While some kids were worrying about what shoes to wear to the dance, I was in therapy trying to figure out why I felt like life was a giant void and why it had swallowed me whole. And if you listen to my family episode, first of all, bless you, because you already know I had to advocate for myself. My mom did it seriously. She thought I was doing the most or trying to get attention. When in reality, I was just trying to survive. It's hard enough dealing with depression, but dealing with it while being told you're a burden, that mess hits different. Don't worry, we'll talk more about my mom in the future episode in May. When I'm depressed now, it shows up in full force. I will sleep 10 hours or more easily. And when I wake up, it is not like I feel refreshed. It's like my body said, "let's power down and hope for a software update that never comes." I'll lay in bed, stay in my room, only emerging like some sad little cryptid to use the bathroom. Isolation becomes my coping mechanism, but there's a difference between recharging and running. And sometimes I'm running with vibes. What makes it trickier is the way I escape. I use YouTube, music, and my imagination to literally take myself to another world. I want to be in a place with no bills, no pressure, just vibes and sword fights. Being creative is beautiful, but it's a double-edged sword. I'll start world building for a story and next minute I'm like, what if I just lived there instead? Not a cute cosplay way, but in a forget this reality entirely cut open. Escapism is a skill and a track. Okay, wow. So now that I've trauma dumped with flair, let's talk about some things that actually helped me when I'm stuck in a depressive pit. This isn't gonna be that, "go for a walk and drink water" nonsense. I'm talking real neurodivergent friendly tips. Tip number one, make your environment work for your depression, not against it. If you know you're gonna be horizontal for most of the day, set yourself up for a success. Put a full water bottle next to your bed, preload snacks you can reach for. Key up your favorite comfort show or pillars. It's not about being productive, it's about making life easier on days when brushing your teeth feels like a full-on quest. For me, I would say go on shows that are like very easygoing or have a lot of imagination. Often times cartoons really help me out, especially sometimes watching cartoons for my childhood like Arthur or the OG Teen Titans. Like yeah, that makes my brain do little happy dance or at least have the sense of comfort. But that's just me. Now the next tip is might be a hard one considering if you are on the more social anxiety side, but still try this. Tip number two, text your people. Even if it's just,"Hey, I'm in a hole." Now look, it may feel like this, but you don't have to explain everything. You don't have to be bubbly. Just letting one trusted friend know, "Hey, I'm not okay right now." Can create a little crack in the isolation. You don't owe everyone access to your sadness. Trust me because there are people who do not deserve to see that and some will take advantage of that as I've experienced it multiple, multiple times. However, you do deserve support. And like I said earlier in the beginning of the episode, I will leave links to resources and hotlines that can reach out to. Tip number three, channel your imagination with intention. If you're like me and use fantasy to escape, try flipping that script. Write a story, voice memo your dream world, or draw your characters. Let your imagination work for you, not against you. The best thing about being creative is that you are in control. You could do anything you want, well, within reason and with whatever materials you have. Essentially, you do you. You don't have to live in your made up world to benefit from it. Bring the joy here, even if it's just in little bits. And also additionally, you don't have to buy the professional art equipment as well. A little sketchbook and some pens will be okay too. So yeah, thank you for listening to this episode. Honestly, this is a very tough topic for me to talk about, especially since this is a topic where the challenge is something that I am still going through each and every day. But one thing for sure is that I am not alone and you are not alone. Links to support me are in the description. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what's best for you. And if you haven't heard it today, thank you for still being here. Tune in next time where something new happens and it won't be boring. Bye![Music]