The Sucky Thing About Valentine’s Day (or Romance in General) | Neurospicy Black Girl

What's a perfect way to talk about Valentine's Day? Criticizing romance norms!

Sources mentioned:

Gen Z Statistics:

• https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220104-are-gen-z-more-pragmatic-about-love-and-sex
• https://unherd.com/newsroom/gen-z-has-fallen-out-of-love-with-dating-apps/#:~:text=a%20digital%20detox.-,Gen%20Z%20has%20fallen%20out%20of%20love%20with%20dating%20apps,of%20swiping%20left%20or%20right
• https://www.americansurveycenter.org/commentary/gen-zs-romance-gap-why-nearly-half-of-young-men-arent-dating/#:~:text=Teens%20are%20dating%20less.%20A%20survey%20conducted,at%20any%20point%20during%20their%20teenage%20years 

Amatonormativity definition: https://sites.smith.edu/aace/about-asexuality-and-aromanticism/allonormativity-and-amatonormativity/#:~:text=Amatonormativity%20is%20the%20assumption%20that,and%20the%20Law%20(2011) 

Financial benefits of getting married: https://www.nationwide.com/financial-professionals/blog/planning-guidance/articles/helping-clients-understand-the-financial-benefits-of-marriage#:~:text=Marriage%20can%20offer%20significant%20financial,conflict%20and%20align%20shared%20goals

Write yourself a future letter: https://www.futureme.org/ 

Visit and support Bluestockings!: https://bluestockings.com/

Transcript

0:00

In the month of February, supposedly love is in the air. In reality, it's probably RSV in the air, because I am getting sick of it. Sick of not understanding romance norms. Sick of not wanting to fall into a lot of romance norms. Sick of not being prioritized because I'm not a romantic partner. Is there any hope for love as a Neurospicy Black Girl? Hi, I'm Alani. I'm black, female, and neurodivergent, a.k.a. I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of a Neurospicy Black Girl.[music] Welcome to Neurospicy Black Girl. The only place you'll learn that you can make a guy upset at you because you do not want to send him feet pictures. Don't worry, I'll explain later. I'm Alani, and today we are back with a regular episode. I thought that a perfect episode for a Valentine's Day would be to criticize romance. At least how romance is presented neurotypically. Yeah, I never got the romance hype. I appreciate romance and fiction, especially in TV shows and movies, but in the real world, I can do without it. I don't know if it's because a majority of marriages or relationships in my blood family suck, or I do not have the ability to be romantically attracted to anybody. Shout out to my aromantic people, you are forever valid. Real life romance fricking sucks booty. It turns out I'm not the only one in my generation to feel that way. If you could tell by my toddler voice, I'm Gen Z. Here are some statistics for you to consider, which links to the stats will be in the description. Around 75% of Gen Z people are single, 90% of Gen Z are frustrated with dating apps, and around 56% of Gen Z adults reported being in a romantic relationship during their teenage years, with Gen Z men having a lower percentage. I wish there were studies that focused on neurodiverse Gen Z because I feel the results would be affected by nuances of being neurodivergent. If anyone would like to donate to my Buy Me a Coffee link so I could go to graduate school to do research on this, I would highly appreciate it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. While I'm not a relationship expert, I mean, you could probably tell that. I, like many neurodiverse people, are good with identifying patterns, especially patterns of behavior. Here are some reasons why I believe romance for neurodiverse people is ass. Or at least for me. Number one. Y'all can't communicate or don't want to communicate. If you are a neurospicy black girl or a neurospicy person in general listening to this episode, I can bet my IL MAKIAGE gift card, I don't have my money to bet, sorry, that you are the friend who your neurotypical friends go to to complain about their romantic relationships to. Your friend would complain to you about how their romantic partner is too stingy with money, or they're too clingy, or they have bad breath, or they flirt with the opposite gender, or same gender, too often. And I bet the number one question you would ask your friend is,"Have you talked to them about it?" And that friend would come up with a million excuses under the book about why they haven't. Now, I want to preface this by saying that there are some situations where communicating is often a difficult thing to do, especially if the partner is abusive and the friend is dependent on them in some sort of way. In this case, try to help your friend out of the situation as best you can. Now here, what I'm talking about are the small stuff that can be discussed in a phone call, or in person or coffee, or something. But what I have observed since my first two episodes of this show is that neurotypicals hate direct communication. I know as a lot of neurotypicals expect other neurotypicals or neurospicy people to be my readers. Some neurotypicals get upset when their partner doesn't know why exactly they are upset, they should just know it. And instead of actually talking to the partner about their behavior or relationship, they just end the relationship or do the other extreme. Cheating. Now, let me get on my soapbox a bit. I think cheating is a coward move. Unless that partner is abusive, there is no justification for cheating. You're telling me that you're brave enough to have sex with another person, but you're not brave enough to talk to your partner to try to repair your relationship or to just end the relationship? Make it make sense. Number two, the tragedy of amatonormativity. Amatonormativity is one of those things that is highly prevalent in many relationships, yet it is swiped under the rug. This term may be new to my listeners, so I'll try to explain it. You might be familiar with the term heteronormativity, which is the assumption that a default or acceptable romantic pairing is a man and a woman, usually cisgender. Anything else outside that is not the norm according to heteronormativity. Not just pairing, but also gender roles. You might be familiar with phrases such as "who wears the pants in the relationship" or stereotypes with a man being the breadwinner/provider and the woman being the homemaker/subservient role. That's heteronormativity. Now, based on that explanation, amatonormativity is heteronormativity, but it plays heterosexual with romantic relationships. Probably a more succinct term is alloromantic, meaning a person who experiences romantic attraction. I'll explain more about different types of attractions in a future episode in June. But anyway, coined by Elizabeth Brake, a philosopher and professor in her 2011 book "Minimizing Marriage", amatonormativity is the assumption that all human beings pursue love or romance, especially by means of a monogamous long-term relationship. Basically, many people, especially almost all society really, see romantic relationships as the end all, be all of all different types of relationships. If you are asexual, aromantic, or just happy being single, you are seen as immature, lonely, unhappy, or have a medical condition. Additionally, when your friends get a romantic partner, they will always prioritize their romantic partner over you. So, goodbye to your friendship. The government makes it even worse because it's financially easier when you're married. More tax deductions and tax credits, reduced insurance costs, easier to pay loans. Not gonna lie, I want to marry someone so I could pay off my student loans easier, but no one I know wants to marry for convenience, unfortunately. And I am not going down on the sugar daddy route. Now, I mentioned how romantic relationships are prioritized over friendships/platonic relationships. Here's a story which involves the whole feet pic thing I mentioned earlier. So, during June of last year, I invited a friend over to a specific Broadway play-themed party at a bar. It was free entry, so you just gotta pay for drinks. She said she was gonna bring her boyfriend, who I didn't know about until the day of. Now, I already had a bad feeling because that essentially means that I will be unintentionally third-wheeling the whole night. But I tried to drink down the feelings because 2024 was a rough year for me, not gonna lie. Anyway, so her and her boyfriend decided to go to a different bar and I tagged along. They decided to smoke weed and also drink, so already not a good combo. Feeling left out, I decided to make a friendly conversation with a random dude in the bar. Now, here's the thing about flirting with me. You gotta be direct about it. Apparently, the guy thought I was flirting with him when I was generally asking about his interests and hobbies. Whereas I thought the dude was just being friendly with me when he was asking about my hobbies and interests. In both of our defenses, we were both high and drunk. Speaking of which, I noticed that the friend and her boyfriend has left the bar without telling me. I got super concerned, mainly 'cause at the time I lost my phone, which then the bar security found it for me. Shout out to him. When I got my phone, I texted the friend wondering where did she go, and she straight up said that her and her boyfriend forgot about me. So after that, I went home, luckily in one piece, and then the boy I talked to in the bar got upset that I didn't want to share feet pics of him. I was quote-unquote "leading him on." Yeah, I'm sticking to fanfiction, y'all. People f*** suck. Okay, I'm kidding. Not really. But anyway, this is the part of the episode where I get into the advice portion. I would say this advice is more geared towards people like me who are excluded in the Valentine's Day shenanigans whether it's due to their sexual or romantic orientation, going through a breakup, or another thing, this may be a tough day for many people, but it does not have to be. Tip number one, reframe the day. Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about romantic love. It could be a day for self-love, platonic love, or even just Tuesday with more chocolate discounts. Here are some ideas to reframe the day. For example, celebrate Self Appreciation Day, making it about you. Self-love is arguably the most important type of love. Appreciate you, your mind, and your body for getting you here. Or you could have a Friendship Day and send memes or small gifts to your besties. If you're someone who tends to go to free pop-up events like I do, for example, I bet that you have a lot of unused stuff you can re-gift to your friends. How are they gonna know? Or here's another suggestion. Make it a hobby day and do something you generally enjoy. My hobbies include drawing and painting. Draw some doodles of you loving yourself or just free-draw whatever's on your mind. Well, I hope it's something that at least won't put you on a list. Anybody whose browsed on Twitter for too long knows what I mean. Ugh. Tip number two, avoid the noise. Literally and figuratively. If the Valentine's Day marketing blitz is overwhelming, curate your environment. For example, mute social media posts that make you feel bad. I would say limit your time on social media too, especially if you're prone to doom-scrolling. Also, skip places that will be overwhelmed with couples, unless people watching is your thing. For my New Yorkers, you might want to avoid Soho, Times Square, the major parks like Central Park, Washington Square Park, or Prospect Park, the Rockefeller Skating Rink, and yeah, if you know anywhere else, let me know in the comments. Also, put on your favorite comfort show or music instead of sappy playlists. I find cartoons to be comforting as most of them do not focus on romance. Tip number three, romanticize solitude. Being single doesn't mean being lonely. It means you get to be your own ideal partner. Here are some things you could do to romanticize solitude. You can take yourself out of date, like go get a fancy meal, go to a bookstore run, or go to a solo museum trip. On the bookstore thing, especially prioritize local bookstores like the local independent. I recommend Bluestockings, especially for what they do. Another thing to do is write a love letter to your future self. For your future self, write it and save it for your next birthday. It'll be the gift that you may need. A good website to do this with is Future Me. Link will be in the description. And finally, you can make a self-care ritual, whether that's a bath, skincare, or just resting without guilt. Remember everyone, Valentine's Day is just a day. If Valentine's Day feels like too much, remind yourself that it's just another day on the calendar. And by February 15, the real holiday begins. Discount chocolate day. So yes, so that's my returning regular episode. And I'm happy to do it, especially for my birthday month, which will, spoiler will be the next episode for February. So I'm very excited about that. Thank you for listening to another episode of Neuro Spicy Black Girl. I appreciate each one of my listeners. Links to support me are in the description. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what feels best for you. To the next time when something new happens and it will definitely not be boring. Bye![Music]