What's the Deal With Friendships? | Neurospicy Black Girl

Join Alani as she discusses the challenges of making and maintaining friendships as a neurospicy black girl. Communication may be a two-way street, but in her experience, it's more of a roundabout. Plus, learn about the challenges of going to pop up events in New York City!

Link to the Dr. Vivek Murthy article mentioned: https://abcnews.go.com/Health/us-surgeon-general-warns-dangers-loneliness/story?id=111050040  

Transcript

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Yeah, I know the Venn Diagram of being the funny friend and having mental health issues is a whole circle, but sometimes I do be forgetting that seeing my life as a joke is the type of humor that doesn't translate well. Unless the other person is mentally ill too. Basically, how much can you be edgy before you accidentally alienate yourself or get a wellness check called for you? Not gonna lie, I feel like television and movies have ruined my expectations of friendships because consistent direct communication and wanting to actually spend time together is too high a standard for many people. You know, making friends as an adult can be challenging. Maintaining those friendships, even harder. Adding being neurodivergent and black and you got yourself a real adventure. Welcome to today's episode of Neurospicy Black Girl where we'll dive into the hilarious and often frustrating journey of making and keeping friends when your brain and life experience are anything but typical. Hi, I'm Alani. I'm black, female and neurodivergent, aka I lost thr genetic lottery. The only thing I can do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's the life of a neurospicy black girl. Welcome to Neurospicy Black Girl, the only place where you learn that giving and receiving direct communication is too much for some people. I'm Alani and today we're going to talk about the roller coaster ride of making and maintaining friendships. But first, how are you doing? Is your day going well? I want to first talk about an obsession of mine. Going to free pop-up events. Now, as you may know, it's getting expensive to breathe in New York City. It feels like everything you do in the city, you have to spend money. Take public transportation and then the fare rises. You want to use a public restroom? You got a purchase of $3 water bottle in order to even get to use it. So when a free pop-up is announced, you bet my ass is on the way there. However, unfortunately for me, it turns out more and more people are growing interested in pop-ups. I started my pop-up journey in the summer of 2022 and the pop-up community, I guess you would say, has exponentially grown since then. Even people who could afford to get the free stuff are going to these things. I guess inflation is affecting everybody. Now, I'm probably going to contribute more to the growth because of this episode, but I can't help yapping about it. Over the years, I've grown selective about the pop-ups that I attend. First and foremost, f*** spin-the-wheel pop-ups. All my homies hate the spin-the-wheel pop-ups. Imagine waiting in line for two hours, only in hot-ass weather, to spin the wheel and go home with nothing. Am I a bit salty for going home with nothing multiple times? Yes, I am because that is two hours of my time that I am not going to get back. You know what? I think I'm going to call the spin-the-wheel pop-ups the "desperation pop-ups" because the brands want to know how desperate you are to stay in line to wait for the shiz. These pop-ups are bait for people who struggle with sunk cost-fallacy and people pleasing because you can't tell me you have high respect for yourself if you want to wait more than an hour with a high chance that you're going to walk away with nothing. Although honestly, I shouldn't be talking about having self-respect, but then again, this is my show and I could do what I want, within legal reason. I'm probably going to talk more about pop-ups in another episode, but coincidentally, the sunk cost-fallacy thing also applies to making friendships as a neurospicy black girl. Stay tuned in to find out why making and maintaining friendships feels like taking a chance at a "desperation pop-up." So let's start with the beginning, the agonizing journey of making friendships. As mentioned earlier, I'm obsessed with going to free pop-ups in New York City because I like getting free stuff. Additionally, you can make connections at these events. But even in these fun settings, my mind is constantly overthinking every little interaction. Did I say hi too enthusiastically? Was my joke funny or just weird? The endless internal debate about whether to initiate conversation or wait for them to make the first move is exhausting. And like 95% for me, I'm the one that's making the first move. Why is it always me? Why do I always gotta make the effort? Going up the Broadway Junction subway stairs is less exhausting than trying to initiate conversations. You gotta figure out the timing of when to approach a person. If they're alone, it's much easier. But then again, do you come off as weird for approaching a person when they're alone? Sometimes I forgetting that what looks okay or cool in television or movies does not translate in real life. Not gonna lie, I feel like television and movies have ruined my expectations in friendships because consistent, direct communication and wanting to actually spend time together is too high of a standard for many people. But I think that's another episode for another day. Anyway, now let's say you were able to move on from the introductory phase and are not standing around awkwardly. Let's go to the conversational phase. When you're neurodivergent, every social interaction can feel like a minefield. You replay conversations in your head, analyzing every word and gesture. Did I talk too much about myself? Did I ask enough questions? Did I look engaged? On the last point, eye contact is a constant battle because it is too open to interpretation. Speaking of interpretation, body language reading hates neurodiverse people. It's a bold statement, but think about it. Lack of eye contact is considered a sign of boredness or lack of respect. Having too much eye contact is also considered disrespectful and inappropriate. Too bad eye contact is like one of the most common struggles in neurodiverse people. Although body language is considered a pseudoscience, it is still looked at in a neurotypical or not neurodivergent lens, which negatively impacts us. It's like a mental checklist that never ends. And speaking of never ending, there's also the paranoia of missing social cues. You know, those unspoken signals that neurotypical people seem to pick up effortlessly. One of the examples I notice is gauging people's sense of humor. I think it is one of the most experimental things to test out with a friendship, but also risky. Basically, how much can you be edgy before you accidentally alienate yourself or get a wellness check called for you? For example, I was waiting to cross the street with a friend by Barclay's Center and the crosswalk was very busy with cars and stuff. My friend, let's call her "M", says that she doesn't know how people are brave to walk a crosswalk like this. I don't know why I responded like this, but my brain thought it was a good idea to say "being suicidal helps with the bravery". Yeah, I know the Venn diagram of being the funny friend and having mental health issues is a whole circle. But sometimes I do be forgetting that seeing my life as a joke is the type of humor that doesn't translate well, unless the other person is mentally ill too. Especially since "M"'s silence did not help and I still thought my joke was funny. Which makes me wonder was she too stunned to speak or she simply did not give a f***. If you are not direct to me about these things, how am I supposed to know? I'm not a mind reader. Although, it's probably a good thing I'm not a mind reader. Knowing what people literally think of me would give me more anxiety than I already have. Speaking of anxiety, overanalyzing texts is another favorite pastime. Why do they use a period instead of an exclamation mark? Are they mad at me? Also, I don't know if anyone else does this, but I also time my texts. Because if you text your friend immediately after they send a message, it makes you come out as a sad, lonely loser. I mean, I am a sad, lonely loser, but that vibe doesn't need to be given off. I wait usually five minutes tops to reply back so it comes off more natural. By natural, I mean neurotypical, really. Although texting is way more convenient, I've come to realize that things could be misinterpreted easily through text, especially since there's no tone indicators in text. Speaking of tone indicators, you know, things like "/s" meaning sarcastic tone, "/j" meaning joking tone, or "/srs" meaning serious tone. Trying to get a neurotypical to use tone indicators or even explain the concept of it, is like detangling curly hair. It's mentally exhausting and time consuming, but you have to do it because if you don't, it's probably going to get worse over time. I just know 50% of my listeners will not relate to that, but I like using similes. Similes and metaphors on our period type of figurative language. They always help with imaginary scenarios. Now let's talk about maintaining friendships. This is where things get even more interesting. While making friends is hard, maintaining them is even harder, not only being black, neurodivergent and female, but being adults in general. Last year, 2023 in the United States, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared loneliness epidemic in the country. According to this ABC news article, "US Surgeon General warns about the dangers of loneliness" by Youri Benadjaoud, Murthy states that one in two adults in America are living with "measurable levels of loneliness, but the numbers are even higher among young people". So, already things are looking bleak for me. So Dr. Murthy also states things that help contribute to this loneliness. He says, "Today we tend to get together less for dinners with friends or with neighbors. We also have more of our time siphoned off by social media and online interactions, which can be helpful in some ways, but can be taking time away from the in-person interactions we used to have." Now these are valid points and I'll be linking the full article in the description for y'all to read more about it. I want to get into the lack of in-person interactions part of Murthy's statement. Look, to be honest with y'all, I tend to be the one who initiates or tries to initiate the hangouts and I hate being the one who does it all the time. So for my boundaries, I started to ease off being the one who initiates the hangouts or conversations in general. Then I realized two things. One, people either have poor communication skills or I am the background character in their lives. It's both but more and more I feel like it's the latter, which also leads to my second point. Object permanence also applies to people too. In case you don't know what that is, object permanence is the ability to understand that objects exist when they are out of sight. A common struggle with those with ADHD is that if the object is "out of sight," it's "out of mind". That's why I hate when neurotypical people tell neurodiverse people that if they lost an item, that they didn't care about the item. Well, Allison, with that logic, you don't care about the friend who chauffeurs you to work each day because you're too lazy to get a license, but you conveniently haven't lost him? Interesting. But I digress. Sometimes I forget people exist because they haven't reached out to me and I end up feeling like I wasted my energy on this friendship. This is especially true if you go through a major life change such as moving, going to college, or changing your job. I remember when I was stuck living with my mom during the pandemic because my classes were remote and she kept asking about my high school friends. She had to basically play 20 questions with me because they haven't reached out to me in two years since the pandemic started. I sometimes get tiny blips in my memory about my high school friends, but it would have been larger if they reached out to me more. Oh well, their lost. There's also the struggle with sensory overload in social settings and need to leave abruptly so you don't shut down or break down. Let's see how I can describe sensory overload. Let's say you're a laptop. Each tab is an activity that you partake in, which slowly drains the memory of the computer which makes it slower to run. Then let's say you decide to download and run "The Sims" on your computer even though your computer is not built for that type of programming. Now your computer is overwhelmed with a bunch of stuff going on and it slows down and then boom, it crashes and now you got restart it in order for it to work again. That's sensory overload. Imagine this. You're at a friend's birthday party having a good time but there's noise, the lights and the crowd of people that you don't know start to overwhelm you. You try to stick it out but eventually you have to make a hasty exit. You feel bad because you don't want to seem rude but your brain is screaming for a break. It's a constant balancing act between wanting to be a good friend and taking care of your mental health. So, how do we cope with all of this? Here are a few tips. One, be yourself. The right friends will appreciate you for who you are. Being what you think is normal is boring and tired. Why do you have to perform for other people, especially for free? It might take longer to find those friends but when you do, it's worth it. Number two, communicate openly about your needs. True friends will understand and support you. If they don't, then maybe they are not the right friends for you. A hard truth to learn is that having a good communication system may be a bare minimum to you but it is unfortunately a high standard for many people. So, keep that in mind. And finally, number three, embrace your quirks. They make you unique and lovable. Your differences are what make you, you. Also, give yourself grace when you mess up with social cues. We are all human. If everyone was perfect and understanding social cues, there wouldn't be so many books, movies and podcasts that discuss experiences about why making friends is hard. You wouldn't be listening to my podcast now, even. But honestly, I have many other struggles I could tell you for your entertainment, so that won't be a problem, I guess. But yeah, embrace you. And that concludes today's episode of Neurospicy Black Girl. Before we go, I want to leave you with this message. It's okay to be human. Do what feels right to you. Friendship is about mutual respect and understanding. It's a two-way street and it's okay to take your time finding the right people who get you. Tune in next time where something new happens and it won't be boring..[Music]